Since way before the E word – empathy – came into vogue, I have been wedded to the importance of a strong emotional connection in selling (see BQ8). People tend to buy from people they like and trust.
Over the years, I developed my interest. I flirted with Aristotle’s persuasive appeals, ‘ethos, pathos and logos’, which led to a more serious relationship with Roman Krznaric’s book ‘Empathy’. So, when I was invited (thank you APMP) to attend an Empathy workshop with Belinda Parma, I jumped at the chance. The bonus was meeting Martin Richards, an international hostage negotiator and crisis manager. Wow, how exciting.
Martin explained that his line of negotiation relies on building empathy. Empathy is the absolute basis of trust, and trust is the absolute basis of persuasion – whether persuading a suicidal person back to safety or Middle Eastern kidnappers to release their hostages. Without empathy and trust, the other party won’t believe anything you say or do anything you ask.
As you might expect, hostage negotiation is traditionally spoken, although Martin said that text negotiations are becoming more common. Either way, the aim is to have a conversation. There can be long delays and silences, but a two-way exchange is crucial to a resolution. Empathy must be built and maintained all the way through.
Hostage negotiators use a range of skills to build empathy. Martin homed in on active listening, which I remembered from Krznaric’s book. Active listening keeps you focused on the other party’s agenda. It means picking up and responding to spoken cues – it shows you have heard and understood, it demonstrates you are interested, that you care and are intent on bringing the situation to a positive conclusion for everyone concerned.
A fascinating aspect of meeting Martin was learning that a seemingly specialised skillset is totally transferrable to our professional and personal lives. Martin teaches businesses and individuals, and volunteers for the crisis charity, Shout. We chatted about many aspects of transferability.
Thinking about negotiation skills in our world, it was easy to connect active listening with selling – conversation plays a huge part in generating the empathy needed to influence a buyer. But we also have to build and maintain empathy on the page. So I thought I’d have a go at mapping active listening skills into the written word. Being a lover of checklists (and good food), Martin’s ‘MORE PIES’ was just the ticket – the table below shows eight active listening techniques, how they help generate empathy in a negotiation and ideas for proposal parallels.
Just as Martin inspired me, I hope my brief encounter with a hostage negotiator will inspire you.
Active listening technique
Minimal encouragers
Application in negotiations
Regularly saying things like ‘really’, ‘I see’, ‘interesting’ and ‘uh huh’ shows you are listening and interested, encouraging the other person to continue.
Proposal parallel
We want our readers to be riveted. The closest parallel to spoken minimal encouragers is ‘transition words’ such as ‘so’, ‘and’, ‘because’ or ‘as a result’. These words enhance readability. They make it easier for your reader to understand the flow of your narrative by making direct connections between phrases, sentences and paragraphs. Search engines love transition words – let’s take a leaf out of their book.
Active listening technique
Open questions
Application in negotiations
‘Who’, ‘what’, ‘when’, ‘where’ and ‘how’ questions encourage engagement and show genuine interest. They offer freedom of time and content, helping to uncover what is behind the person’s action and what it would take to resolve the situation. ‘Why’ tends to be avoided as it can cause a defensive reaction.
Proposal parallel
Written questions can help provoke the reader’s mind to be curious to find an answer. Try using questions as headings – ‘How will we deliver on time?’ or ‘How will we manage your project?’
‘Who, what, when, where, how’ also makes a valuable checklist behind the scenes to validate you have covered responsibilities, scope and timing. Adding ‘why’ tests for differentiation and value, which in our world won’t upset anyone.
Active listening technique
Reflecting & mirroring
Application in negotiations
When done with thought and care, playing back the same words and adopting the same action, rhythm and pace can be empathetic. Repeating the last few spoken words to start the next question is particularly effective.
Proposal parallel
Mirroring is one of the better-known proposal techniques. Reflecting document and/or question structures and playing back keywords shows you have actively ‘listened’ and makes it easier for the customer to read and evaluate. Replaying terminology and style helps build rapport.
Active listening technique
Emotional labelling
Application in negotiations
Directly suggesting the other person seems upset, angry, frustrated or any other evident emotion, shows you have tuned in. It can quickly elicit an acknowledgement and an opportunity for an open question to move the dialogue along.
Proposal parallel
Tune into your customer’s thorny issues and dream-states. Vibrant, sensory language can bring your customer’s thoughts and wishes to life on the page. Could you change ‘Your primary objective is to improve customer satisfaction’ to ‘Your vision is to delight your customers on every step of their journey’?
Active listening technique
Paraphrasing
Application in negotiations
Repeating what you have heard using your chosen words demonstrates attentiveness. By using different words, you can test you have fully understood and give the speaker the opportunity to clarify or expand (also see Summarising below).
Proposal parallel
Although we’ve acknowledged the importance of thoughtful mirroring and reflecting, customers hate you cutting and pasting their own words back to them. They do, however, want to know you’ve understood them. So, be responsive but don’t just hit replay; add some intelligent observation and insight.
Active listening technique
‘I’ statements
Application in negotiations
‘I’ statements express the effect the other person or their actions are having on you. An ‘I’ statement might take the form: “When I hear you saying…” “I feel frustrated because…” This language shows you to be human, which can have a powerful effect on the other person liking and trusting you.
Proposal parallel
One of the top rules of a proposal is ‘customer-first’ – we spend hours training ourselves not to write about us, us, us. However, judicious inclusion of concerns and needs is simply professional. Share risks, assumptions, issues and dependencies openly – tell them what you need for a successful outcome. Be careful of trite ‘I’ statements like ‘We believe our solution is ideal for you…’ – this can suggest that you are not sure!
Active listening technique
Effective pauses
Application in negotiations
Carefully positioned conversation pauses – big or small – create space to work through emotion. They give both parties time for reflection and forward thinking, which can relieve pressure as well as create a positive push forward.
Proposal parallel
We want to give our readers time to absorb and reflect. We want to avoid them feeling crowded and under pressure. A well-structured document helps. Use sections, break up long paragraphs, keep sentences short and varied, and punctuate well. Put space on the page – wide margins, breaks before and after headings and around graphics.
Active listening technique
Summarising
Application in negotiations
Summarising is like paraphrasing but using the other person’s words rather than your own. Repeating their words re-focuses them and offers the chance to confirm or modify. It also helps the negotiator to concentrate and remember specific points or language to reflect back.
Proposal parallel
Summarising regularly with connections back to your customer’s stated dreams and problems will focus their mind. A brilliant summary will leave your reader in no doubt about the key points they should remember. It will leave reminders and nudges that build a trustworthy picture of a company that can help.
Roman Krznaric, ‘Empathy: Why it matters, and how to get it’, published 2014 by The Random House Group Ltd
Belinda Parma, OBE, founder and CEO of ‘The Empathy Business’
Martin Richards, former Chief Superintendent in the London Met Police, now freelance crisis and security consultant and author of ‘Just when you think you are winning…Humorous tales of a hostage negotiator’, published 2017. If you want to learn more, listen to this great interview: https://www.likemindsevents.co.uk/hostage-negotiator-interview/.
